Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Me My dog
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat