I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
respect
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.