Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Wedding planning is organized crime.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*