If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
You Might Also Like
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Hot hot hot 🥵
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
S M O L
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Confused owl: What?!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo