@shutupmikeginn Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
@mjkspeaks Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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@shutupmikeginn 
@PrettyRicc Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
@huntigula why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
@Annekinns Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
@protolalia If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
@AnotherFunnyGuy If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
@J0hnnyBlaze 10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
@krisv_723 Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
@neiltyson #WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
@loribuckmajor Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.