Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free


Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.


If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.


If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.



*gets a snack*


*turns on tv*


*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*



Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow


#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.