@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

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@shutupmikeginn

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@huntigula

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@krisv_723

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.