Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods