We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”