I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.