Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.