I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot