Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident