He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Favourite diary entry ever
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins