Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Shorty got
⚪️ low
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⚪️ low
⚪️ low
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⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Follow me for more life hacks.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
be careful
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
cats when you pet them too long:
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*