Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Beware of the dog..
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.