11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello