I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”