dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.