What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You wish you had this many chins.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.