forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Don’t snitch tag.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower