I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This kinda thing happens to me often
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
This is my favorite one of these!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
pelicons
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges