You Might Also Like
Hey! This isn’t my car!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Milk Cube
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.