My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
#Caturday
The devil.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!