Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
He’s dead
Boating season is upon us.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!