A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
You Might Also Like
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Erm I’m gonna say no