“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Do not steal food from the science building!