Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Super Hand Dog Face
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
But wait…
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway