English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.