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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
it’s the silliest best thing
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Tony Hawk, age 6
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Sing it!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…