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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮