What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
What’s a Messi?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts