“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
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Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd