I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Pandas 🐼🖤
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Never forget.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*