One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.