I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.