Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.