If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.