There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
this article brought to you by lions
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Baking is just science you can eat.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”