Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Otters see a butterfly.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
cat vs inanimate object
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.