In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!