If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!