Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.