Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before