My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.