Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.