Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs