Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I feel it
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I wish this was real life…