periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
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this post was so formative to me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it