Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.