I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I just stopped by to water my horse.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage