the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.