[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.