[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here![]()
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.