i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”